The lights are off...

"Say you lost your keys in your house as you were rushing to leave. You've looked everywhere. You remember you left them in your bedroom so you make your way there. You still cant find them...then you decide- maybe its time to turn on a light. As the light is turned on- AH HA- there are your keys on the floor, next to your bed, not on the chair like you thought." paraphrase taken from Sunday morning church sermon, Pastor Steve Jennings

The truth is the truth regardless if you can see it or not. Just because you believed the keys were on the chair, doesn't make that true. The light had to be on for you to see it.

But what happens when you cant get the light on. Maybe the bulb is broken, maybe your switch is malfunctioned or even worse what if the electricty in your whole house is out. OK ..time for the metaphor to end.

I've decided to write instead of think nonstop- something I've been doing for quite sometime.

A friend of ours, Shane, committed a violent act a couple weeks ago. He killed someone, and then himself. This post is not to be answer to either family (although i without a doubt am devastated for them and cannot imagine what they are going through right now) nor is it to decide upon what happen - when how and why. I am simply writing for my own soul..and maybe just maybe for anyone else who happens to read. To me there is a bigger story going on than just this month's headlines. This is just a touch of a major story that has been going on since creation.

Since this happen I have been wrestling..and I confess...have not consulted our Lord and Savior enough to see what He has to say more than what i think. truthfully- i am afraid of the answer. which brings me to my big story.

i have become uncomfortably aware that for years I've been neglecting my fear of God's all knowing and sovereign will. for anyone reading this it may come as a surprise that i would ever admit to this. i am in love with the fact that God is over all things...that He knows every hair on my head and that before time began He knew my soul. but it is all this that leads to my fear. i am not in control of anything..and ive become increasingly fearful that the "God works for the 'good' of those who love him" truth could become my greatest downfall.

what do i mean? i mean to say that whatever our Lord decides to do/allow is good. it will someone work for the good in His sovereign plan. but what if that means that I lose all that i hold dear. its already meant the loss of my father so early, the loss of johnnys mom and dad, diabetes and hypothroidism for me, its mean anxiety in my life, its meant a friend killing a principal and them himself. and so much more evil in this world. even more frightening- it means tornadoes taking out homes and leaving others without a logical reason.

now, i want to clarify. im not asking why do bad things happen to good people. im simply asking how my definition of good can somehow relate to Gods. how can all things work together for the good of those who love Him make any sense to my heart. as i type im reminded of God's word to Job- who are you to question the Lord? and i believe that is ultimately where this question ends.

but isnt there peace for my soul? God loves me. He has begun a good work in me and will bring it to completion. What was his work in Shane? If Shane was truly a Christian (and all signs prior to March 6 seemed to point in that direction) how did God's allowing of this sin work for the good of Shane? or the good of anyone for that matter. And IF Shane wasn't truly a Christian, than it makes me fear my own heart and sinfully makes me question God's transforming work in my life. I have felt the Spirit, I have felt His love, my faith has been strong, but today it sits in a closet scared to come out. scared that i will be killed. scared that maybe - God will find it pleasing to Himself to hurt me. to hurt those I love. to hide Himself from me. to give me up. to give me over to my flesh. to allow the evil in this world to engulf me. truth - sometimes i sit in my house wondering when someone is going to break in and hurt us. sometimes i wonder when the phone is going to ring only to hear devastation on the other line. why do i feel this way? Lord save me from myself!

and what is my comfort? Jesus alone. the very one I fear is the only one I can run to. (back to the metaphor) I am running around a dark room trying to find an answer. truth is here somewhere. maybe it is wrong of me to assume i'm searching for the light switch instead of just sitting in the middle of the room moping that God has left me alone. what if its my own sin keeping me blinded from the truth..in the dark so to speak. maybe thats my hope.

i am scared that it may be God's will to test me in the same way He did Job..and at this moment- i dont think I would be able to react like Job. i tend to think a lot and read about the testing of Job but what about the end:
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. 6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes

how does Job's life end?
12-The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.....16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.

Lord renew my faith. turn on the lights please