Real Rest

I should really get some sleep it's been so long, been so long all my friends have said to me you look so tired I feel guilty, cause there's so much to do I feel lazy, if I take a breath or two oh, God, give me some rest a bit of peace that pases over all this mess don't give me more than what I need just let me know you hear my plea oh, God, please come to me and give me rest I should really spend some time alone with you, alone with you I've always known I'd find you there, maybe that's why I keep myself so busy, so I don't have to feel the fear and anger of my darkness that is aching to be healed oh, God, give me some rest a bit of peace that passes over all this mess don't give me more than what I need just let me know you hear my plea oh, God, please come to me and give me rest why did nobody tell me just how hard it is to be the man I always thought that I'd become? I feel just like a kid who can't grow up I should really go to bed, kiss my wife, my sleepy heads and pray that when I wake tomorrow something's changed Rest is complicated. we are all so tired. so worn. I wonder sometimes how one truly ever feels like they are rested with all there is to do. today I was told I have mono, the cure of which is "rest and hydration." Water- Check, Rest- huh? what we define as rest these days confuses me. sure, I can sleep. I can lay on the couch, I can "do nothing" possibly. I could even try to do that despite the schedule our family is in - 2 year old running around with my sweet husband that works harder than anyone I know - early mornings, late nights, studying all the other times and still finds time to spend with me and the boy. but is that really rest or is that just sleep? perhaps in regards to curing mono it is right? my real unrest cant be cured by sleep or pills, by any relax methods or yoga. real unrest stems from somewhere deeper and real rest is found in something more complex than a pillow and blanket. I haven't yet fallen into the norm of calling all unrest anxiety disorder and all sadness "clinical depression." While those things exist, so often they come with the idea that nothing is the causing factor, that there is nothing and no one to blame ... and I'm skeptical of that prognosis. physical unrest can take its toll. I wonder how exhausted Paul was journeying across country-sides preaching, being beaten, thrown in prison and more. ponder the extreme fatigue of Christ in just the physical stress he went through in 3 years of madness. what about the emotional unrest of Christ - how lost he could have felt without His belief in the faithfulness of God and without His feeling of divine purpose. this unrest is the kind I just cant sleep off. this unrest that cant be found on a lab sheet and is normally passed off as weakness by the world. surely we've all felt this at one time or another. but how many times do we actually take anyone seriously unless of course they have a diagnosis? im emotionally exhausted. not from my family or friends, not from my church, not even from my actual work, but from the judgment I feel day in an day out from my co-workers. as a people pleaser this is by far the worst treatment one can receive. the inability to appease people, the inability to make people happy. As much as I want the inspiration of my work to be glory for Christ - too often its been to get the approval of everyone around me. What happens when you don't approve? I write you off as not having good opinions- YUCK! this leads to the sin of not believing in my full redemption and being so distraught about my nagging sins that never leave. as much as I know those around me are just as much to blame as I am for the pain we feel and for the unrest in my life - what good will it do to convince them of this, if they don't know the answer to the guilt? So where can one flee when they feel defeated - beaten down by this world and the harshness of the judgment of the world around them. Where can we go when all our efforts are a "chasing after the wind," when all you want to do is throw in the towel on everything. There is no other place but the Cross of Christ. I'm unsure how anyone gets through this life experiencing these feelings I have lately without Grace and without the Love of Christ. I unravel when I begin to wonder at how much God loves me and how different his love feels compared to the hatred of this world. I marvel at His amazing grace and the inability of mankind to forgive the smallest wrongs against each other. I want so desperately to get to a place that looks at judgment and confidently says "so what - have you met my Christ?" once again. I covet the feelings of boldness in Christ that I used to have. I was so hidden and protected by God that the harshness of mankind did not fall on me often. i pray that this bitterness that purveys the lives of the nonchristians around me would not enter into my heart. i pray for real rest only Christ can bring....and of course I pray I'd find some time to sleep to so the mono would go away :)