The Rocky Soil

It has been way too long since I've written. Not just publicly but privately. There are never really enough hours in a day to do all I'd like to do but certainly God has given me enough to fill up each hour. Tonight I'm reflecting still on a fantastic weekend away. My great friend, Devon Morreale, just became a "Parker" this weekend at her wedding. I was very much looking forward to it for a while. Our trip began with Johnny, Dom and I traveling to Ocala whee I dropped them off for Counsin Mary-Annes birthday party :) From there I had a wonderful 3 hours of listening to music and thinking about nothing as I drove to Ft. Myers - it was pure bliss! Not only would I see Devon but I was blessed to be in the presence of wonderful friends- faithful friends like the Amandas, Michelle, Tracy, Sarah and Logan and Emily. I'm not talking faithful in the sense that they've remained my friend over the years -although that is true and i can say that the moment we saw each other it was like no time had come in between our fellowship. What I mean to say is that i was so encouraged to see their faithfulness to our Lord Jesus Christ. No doubt, it has been the Lord's faithfulness over the years to hold on to them and keep them in rich christian communities, but the older I get the more I'm realizing how many "rocky soil seeds" there are out there and how easy it has become for people to just walk away - apathetically. "6 But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. 17 For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it. 18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” Rich scripture that penetrates my own dark heart. I've heard a number of sermons about these verses and the more I hear, the better grasp of it I have. I believe there are instances where my own heart can be like the rocky soil. I hear the word but when the troubles of this world come I am quickly discouraged and forget the promises. But in a greater way this is talking about so many friends that have left the fold over the years. So many who once believed and loved but who have since had troubles, battles, disappointments or maybe even riches and success and the lack of root has shown itself evident. I'm getting to the age where this is happening all too often. Folks who started so strong are abandoning the faith - and for what? Money? Knowledge? Freedom from guilt? Cultural-relevancy? Are we to compare the richness of knowing Christ Jesus for any of this? My heart firmly feels for these folks and knows that I too could easily fall to this category except for the grace of God. My prayer over the years has been "Lord dont let me go" I've had the doubts, I HAVE the falterings, I continue to wish for God to just show himself so all would see. But the Word stills my heart will scriptures like this one- 27 “He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’ 29 “Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’ 30 “‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’ 31 “He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’” Nothing will convert a hard heart except the power of the Holy Spirit. So we leave them up to Him and beg for their repentance and remain a faithful friend during it all. But this is not true of these lovely ladies I was with this weekend. Their love for Christ has grown. Their faithfulness despite the same troubles, battles, disappointments or even riches and success has only proven to yield a crop. So the Lord be praised for this. The feeling of being in a room with like-minded believers is a blessing you take for granted. We laughed, we sighed, we rejoiced and danced. I wish these moments happened more often, but then again I probably wouldn't appreciate them as much. So to you girls and my friends who have decided to fight the good fight and to pray for Gods strong hold on your heart despite the doubts that come - Thank you! Your faithfulness is rare and your godliness is encouraging. Your passion restarts my dead heart and makes me focus on the important things. Thank you for trusting God for your life. All praise to Christ because as we believe - His grace is sufficient. To those who are crushed or cold, whose doubts have overtaken them, whose lives have choked out the Word - come back. 1. There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel's veins; and sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains. Lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains; and sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains. 2. The dying thief rejoiced to see that fountain in his day; and there may I, though vile as he, wash all my sins away. Wash all my sins away, wash all my sins away; and there may I, though vile as he, wash all my sins away.

Real Rest

I should really get some sleep it's been so long, been so long all my friends have said to me you look so tired I feel guilty, cause there's so much to do I feel lazy, if I take a breath or two oh, God, give me some rest a bit of peace that pases over all this mess don't give me more than what I need just let me know you hear my plea oh, God, please come to me and give me rest I should really spend some time alone with you, alone with you I've always known I'd find you there, maybe that's why I keep myself so busy, so I don't have to feel the fear and anger of my darkness that is aching to be healed oh, God, give me some rest a bit of peace that passes over all this mess don't give me more than what I need just let me know you hear my plea oh, God, please come to me and give me rest why did nobody tell me just how hard it is to be the man I always thought that I'd become? I feel just like a kid who can't grow up I should really go to bed, kiss my wife, my sleepy heads and pray that when I wake tomorrow something's changed Rest is complicated. we are all so tired. so worn. I wonder sometimes how one truly ever feels like they are rested with all there is to do. today I was told I have mono, the cure of which is "rest and hydration." Water- Check, Rest- huh? what we define as rest these days confuses me. sure, I can sleep. I can lay on the couch, I can "do nothing" possibly. I could even try to do that despite the schedule our family is in - 2 year old running around with my sweet husband that works harder than anyone I know - early mornings, late nights, studying all the other times and still finds time to spend with me and the boy. but is that really rest or is that just sleep? perhaps in regards to curing mono it is right? my real unrest cant be cured by sleep or pills, by any relax methods or yoga. real unrest stems from somewhere deeper and real rest is found in something more complex than a pillow and blanket. I haven't yet fallen into the norm of calling all unrest anxiety disorder and all sadness "clinical depression." While those things exist, so often they come with the idea that nothing is the causing factor, that there is nothing and no one to blame ... and I'm skeptical of that prognosis. physical unrest can take its toll. I wonder how exhausted Paul was journeying across country-sides preaching, being beaten, thrown in prison and more. ponder the extreme fatigue of Christ in just the physical stress he went through in 3 years of madness. what about the emotional unrest of Christ - how lost he could have felt without His belief in the faithfulness of God and without His feeling of divine purpose. this unrest is the kind I just cant sleep off. this unrest that cant be found on a lab sheet and is normally passed off as weakness by the world. surely we've all felt this at one time or another. but how many times do we actually take anyone seriously unless of course they have a diagnosis? im emotionally exhausted. not from my family or friends, not from my church, not even from my actual work, but from the judgment I feel day in an day out from my co-workers. as a people pleaser this is by far the worst treatment one can receive. the inability to appease people, the inability to make people happy. As much as I want the inspiration of my work to be glory for Christ - too often its been to get the approval of everyone around me. What happens when you don't approve? I write you off as not having good opinions- YUCK! this leads to the sin of not believing in my full redemption and being so distraught about my nagging sins that never leave. as much as I know those around me are just as much to blame as I am for the pain we feel and for the unrest in my life - what good will it do to convince them of this, if they don't know the answer to the guilt? So where can one flee when they feel defeated - beaten down by this world and the harshness of the judgment of the world around them. Where can we go when all our efforts are a "chasing after the wind," when all you want to do is throw in the towel on everything. There is no other place but the Cross of Christ. I'm unsure how anyone gets through this life experiencing these feelings I have lately without Grace and without the Love of Christ. I unravel when I begin to wonder at how much God loves me and how different his love feels compared to the hatred of this world. I marvel at His amazing grace and the inability of mankind to forgive the smallest wrongs against each other. I want so desperately to get to a place that looks at judgment and confidently says "so what - have you met my Christ?" once again. I covet the feelings of boldness in Christ that I used to have. I was so hidden and protected by God that the harshness of mankind did not fall on me often. i pray that this bitterness that purveys the lives of the nonchristians around me would not enter into my heart. i pray for real rest only Christ can bring....and of course I pray I'd find some time to sleep to so the mono would go away :)

The lights are off...

"Say you lost your keys in your house as you were rushing to leave. You've looked everywhere. You remember you left them in your bedroom so you make your way there. You still cant find them...then you decide- maybe its time to turn on a light. As the light is turned on- AH HA- there are your keys on the floor, next to your bed, not on the chair like you thought." paraphrase taken from Sunday morning church sermon, Pastor Steve Jennings

The truth is the truth regardless if you can see it or not. Just because you believed the keys were on the chair, doesn't make that true. The light had to be on for you to see it.

But what happens when you cant get the light on. Maybe the bulb is broken, maybe your switch is malfunctioned or even worse what if the electricty in your whole house is out. OK ..time for the metaphor to end.

I've decided to write instead of think nonstop- something I've been doing for quite sometime.

A friend of ours, Shane, committed a violent act a couple weeks ago. He killed someone, and then himself. This post is not to be answer to either family (although i without a doubt am devastated for them and cannot imagine what they are going through right now) nor is it to decide upon what happen - when how and why. I am simply writing for my own soul..and maybe just maybe for anyone else who happens to read. To me there is a bigger story going on than just this month's headlines. This is just a touch of a major story that has been going on since creation.

Since this happen I have been wrestling..and I confess...have not consulted our Lord and Savior enough to see what He has to say more than what i think. truthfully- i am afraid of the answer. which brings me to my big story.

i have become uncomfortably aware that for years I've been neglecting my fear of God's all knowing and sovereign will. for anyone reading this it may come as a surprise that i would ever admit to this. i am in love with the fact that God is over all things...that He knows every hair on my head and that before time began He knew my soul. but it is all this that leads to my fear. i am not in control of anything..and ive become increasingly fearful that the "God works for the 'good' of those who love him" truth could become my greatest downfall.

what do i mean? i mean to say that whatever our Lord decides to do/allow is good. it will someone work for the good in His sovereign plan. but what if that means that I lose all that i hold dear. its already meant the loss of my father so early, the loss of johnnys mom and dad, diabetes and hypothroidism for me, its mean anxiety in my life, its meant a friend killing a principal and them himself. and so much more evil in this world. even more frightening- it means tornadoes taking out homes and leaving others without a logical reason.

now, i want to clarify. im not asking why do bad things happen to good people. im simply asking how my definition of good can somehow relate to Gods. how can all things work together for the good of those who love Him make any sense to my heart. as i type im reminded of God's word to Job- who are you to question the Lord? and i believe that is ultimately where this question ends.

but isnt there peace for my soul? God loves me. He has begun a good work in me and will bring it to completion. What was his work in Shane? If Shane was truly a Christian (and all signs prior to March 6 seemed to point in that direction) how did God's allowing of this sin work for the good of Shane? or the good of anyone for that matter. And IF Shane wasn't truly a Christian, than it makes me fear my own heart and sinfully makes me question God's transforming work in my life. I have felt the Spirit, I have felt His love, my faith has been strong, but today it sits in a closet scared to come out. scared that i will be killed. scared that maybe - God will find it pleasing to Himself to hurt me. to hurt those I love. to hide Himself from me. to give me up. to give me over to my flesh. to allow the evil in this world to engulf me. truth - sometimes i sit in my house wondering when someone is going to break in and hurt us. sometimes i wonder when the phone is going to ring only to hear devastation on the other line. why do i feel this way? Lord save me from myself!

and what is my comfort? Jesus alone. the very one I fear is the only one I can run to. (back to the metaphor) I am running around a dark room trying to find an answer. truth is here somewhere. maybe it is wrong of me to assume i'm searching for the light switch instead of just sitting in the middle of the room moping that God has left me alone. what if its my own sin keeping me blinded from the truth..in the dark so to speak. maybe thats my hope.

i am scared that it may be God's will to test me in the same way He did Job..and at this moment- i dont think I would be able to react like Job. i tend to think a lot and read about the testing of Job but what about the end:
1 Then Job replied to the LORD:
2 “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ 5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. 6 Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes

how does Job's life end?
12-The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part.....16 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. 17 And so Job died, an old man and full of years.

Lord renew my faith. turn on the lights please

Evil and the Justice of God.

I've re-started my reading of this book written by N.T. Wright. The title of the book is what draws me to read it...especially at this point of my life. He lays out three ways in which he characterizing the new problem of evil.

First, we ignore evil when it doesn't hit us in the face.
Second, we are surprised by evil when it does.
Third, we react in immature and dangerous ways as a result

Going on he remarks about some of the immature/dangerous ways:
" We can project evil out on to others, generating a culture of blame....
alternatively, we can project evil onto ourselves and imagine we are to blame for it all."

Im confronted with evil everyday of my life...we all are. regardless if we call it for what it is...evil is present. many have delicately carved new words to define evil - personality flaws, natural reactions and so on. this is not my problem. in fact the total opposite is my problem and this book speaks to mine as well. im paralyzed by my understanding of evil. i see it so often and realize it in my own heart so much that i cannot live and move.

im am confused on how to "love" people who are undeserving of it. by that I don't mean the poor and lowely..i mean the selfish and prideful...how do you love those people? isn't justice what is needed? don't they need someone to knock them off their pedestal? but its not supposed to be me is it? so instead I'll just complain about them behind their back and try to ignore them and the issues they bring up...because #1 I dont have time for them and #2 i dont really believe they will ever change- therefore wasting my time.

so what is God's answer for this? i'm not quite sure. the scriptures seem to show me that the prideful and selfish will be cast down...Jesus handles them delicately but boldly. i think of the pharisees and how he always shows grace to the humble but opposes the proud. but is this how i am to treat others or am i one of the pharisees that needs to be opposed?

i know the way i'm handling it cannot be the right way since it is doing no benefit for anyone and is in fact damaging me spiritually, emotionally and i fear even physically.

I again relate with paul in romans 8..the good i want to do i cant do but what i dont want to do this is what i keep doing. who will save me from this body of death? The Lord Jesus Christ.

Im excited to finally finish this book and to learn more about my own heart through it. more updates coming soon!

simplicity...

there are days like these that come around every so often ...days that make me wonder if what i'm feeling are true desires buried deep by the chaos of life. johnny mentions it every so often...about living more simple.

most would look at our life and think.. "hmm, aren't you living simple? you got a pretty regular sized home, no car payments, a mut dog, not much glim/glamer around ..etc" but when i sit down and really evaluate our life...i get exaughsted and overwhelmed just talking about what all there is to do and how much it all costs.

today- i wanted out. out of work... out of a mortgage...out of the 9-5 schedule .. out of diabetes (the major need of health insurance)...out of jacksonville...out of most friendships...out of never being content (ha..hence my issues) but i wanted IN...to stay inside with my husband, baby boy and dog. i wanted into the simple life. why is it those that CAN have it...choose to fill up their lives? then those of us who CAN'T have it..wanted it so much.

whose to say we can't ? could we quit our jobs, sell our house, find new jobs, live in a cheap place in ocala, work part time jobs while Johnny stays in school somehow- find jobs with health insurance good enough where we're not paying $300 for diabetes supplies? its overwhelming to think about. when i do i usally quit in the middle and go back to the task at hand. working hard to pay bills, save money...and enjoy the life the Lord has provided. except- for us- we want so much more. we want to give it away...we want to go and serve....and those desires are being smothered out by this need to succeed in some way. to look good to others. to be educated and use the education...to want the things that were never meant to satisfy.

Now..all i want is Christ..my family and enough to get by and love others with. less bills, less complications...less movement...less of a schedule.. more time to use wisely. Lord, help us to number our days.

"Come ye needy, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify;
true belief and true repentance;
every grace that brings you nigh;
without money- without money
come to Jesus Christ and buy "

another blog about time..

i realize i spend a lot of time reminiscing about memories- good and bad. and today's ease of typing blogs and viewing old entries makes it hard to escape feelings of the past. yesterday evening i spent some time reading my old livejournal, and old myspace comments. not sure what got me to do that..but my brain wandered to past things and i thought ..hmm this may be fun.
what i realized was the preposterous things i thought, felt and even said were embarrassing and sometimes even shameful. of course there is always some very fun/funny things such as comments from friends and from Johnny that are just classic. but the lame things i wrote about...the ignorance that pervaded much of my complaining is just sickening.

so what can i make of all that. today, when my spiritual hunger and thirst is not what it was once..I can have hope that God has been sanctifying me all this time...and its only by His Word and His people that this has happened. hurts, trials, tempatations and the like have only proved to draw me closer to Him and to purge the dross in my refining.

still its so funny to read how blatantly obvious some of my "secret" feelings about people were written about (good and bad) and how passively aggressive i handled situations. i'm thankful for my husband and for the realization of things i never thought would happen-as i so stated in much of my ramblings.

Lord, thank you for the past and what it can teach us...but thank you even more for the present and future so that we can continue to rely on Your words and Your providences to sustain us.

baggage...

you know its a sad day when you can acquire more deep spiritual lessons from a tv show than from a christian song.

today, as i turned on the Christian music station, as i often do to hear a couple songs I like here and there, i was greeted by one of those "song in the background while the singer goes into detail about what the song is about," moments. i have no idea who the singer is or what the song is called...probably called baggage.

she went on and on about how the baggage we hold onto in our lives keeps us from truly knowing God and enjoying what He has given us and all we have to do is "let go of our baggage." this "just do it" mentally is really starting to urk me. (more on that later)

immediately my mind shifted to an episode of "how i met your mother," i viewed recently. You see this epidsode was also called, "baggage," except it was about looking for a mate and discovering that somewhere along the line you'll find the baggage they've been holding on to. at first it brings out weariness inside, claiming that everyone has baggage and it will always ruin the relationship so why even try. but towards the end Ted (star of the show) discovers that one of his new "prospects" isn't the only one with baggage, but he himself is the one holding on to it. The "baggage" shows up in physical form as suitcases next to each of them with writing on the sides describes what kind of messes they've found themselves in and how they are still burdened by those messes. Instead of them throwing these "bags" to the side they pick the other's up and continue walking together.

That's right. They don't walk away. They don't pretend to get rid of them, as if it is that easy. They instead "bare each others weight." of course the show ends with humor as the girl continues to go on as she is roommates with her brother and they sleep in the same bed and she ends up having slightly crazier "baggage" than he thought. But the principle is still evident.

I found more spiritual application from that show than from the lame description of "baggage" from this christian artist. I'm sure she meant no harm, but really what does "just let go of your baggage" even mean. I'm sick of hearing so called "christians" act like its just something you manage to get the energy and strength to do. in reality it looks more like "how I met your mother."

The "baggage" we carry is with us forever. We don't just let go and forget it, but we live with it. Spouses, family and friends help us by "picking up our suitcases" of luggage. This is how the burden is lifted, by allowing others to carry it for us, and accepting us despite the messiness of it all.

The main point being, Christ is truly the one who lifts up our baggage. He who carried it to the cross, who carries it now, and who will carry it to completion. The baggage we carry does not keep us from Christ, it drives us in despair to Him, the only one who can truly bare our burdens and give us true and complete joy.

Our baggage does not leave us. We are a mess. Thank God He is strong and can carry every ounce of it.